Colin Bridgeton is Down Bad Crying at the Gym: A Season 3, Episode 3 Recap
8 min readMay 25, 2024
- We are coming out of the gate embarrassingly thirsty, as per usual. To make matters worse, even though he “had to see her. IMMEDIATELY!” in his dreams, he still had time to put on his pirate coat.
- Hungry boy Bridgerton cannot even EAT, which is like 60% of his personality. Do you know how serious this is?? He is ravaged with disease! He can’t sleep! My man sustains himself on one thing and one thing only: fantasies about Penelope Featherington and her kissssssssssssssssssssssss
- Now this man’s dream response from Penelope? I feel the same. You occupy my every thought.
- RIP Colin Bridgerton you would have loved the Tik Tok trend where the bf puts his hand on the door frame behind his gf to seduce her!!! Because that is what he is doing in this kissing fantasy rn. The man said HOLD ON let me steady myself real quick while I kiss your neck because I am about to PASS OUT.
- Now he’s awake and he’s flushed like he just did the Mayfair half marathon. They should have had the physician who wrapped young Gregory’s arm wait to give Colin a check up while he was making a house call… somebody is feverish.
- Benedict: “Did something keep you up?” Colin proceeds to do a monologue about how he’s never even had a dream, never even heard of it really, he doesn’t know what you’re talking about. He was just late to morning tea because he was busy getting Penelope Featherington tattooed to the inside of his eyelids.
- When Hyacinth says Penelope’s name in the drawing room, Colin makes a face like all of his clothes have just fallen off his body and he can’t believe he’s totally exposed in front of his whole family (even though he is wearing his 14 layers of regency approved garb).
- When Eloise storms out of the room, you can tell he wants to go after her and comfort her but then Hyacinth says Penelope’s name again and it’s like a dog whistle to Colin. He turned around so quick that he forgot about Eloise… thank God his cravat was there to keep his neck from snapping clean off.
- Benedict is bearing witness to his brother’s mini-stroke but you know what? All good. Colin says he’s NEVER BEEN BETTER! In the words of esteemed philosopher, Dua Lipa, one kiss is all it takes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- Now we are at the park where Penelope is walking with her maid. Out of focus behind, you can see her body guard about ten paces behind her at all times. Just kidding it’s Colin Bridgerton. The secret service could never.
- She runs into a tree to escape the watchful gaze of the ton, gotta be discreet, you know? Colin Bridgerton doesn’t even know what that means as he practically pushes Pen’s maid out of the way to get to her under the tree. what happens next……. embarrassing, humiliating, etc.
- We are starting off with good day, it’s good to see you and actually I’m sorry I didn’t come to see you sooner (he was too busy chugging Nyquil so he could live out his fantasies)… She’s like it’s good that you didn’t! and he’s like ???????? girl WHAT i’m out here fighting for my life just to see you, what do YOU MEAN ???????????
- but instead of speaking up, he’s 200% just following her lead. Penelope is the carriage driver and he is merely the horse. she could be like “I wish you were dead! Do you want to chug this arsenic I have in my bag?” And he would be like “Yeah hahaha down actually!”
- Also does anyone notice his hair looks different in this scene? My man doesn’t have time for his curly girl routine rn, he can barely shower… we are doing cold plunges ONLY rn! (I have since learned this is a reshoot scene hence the dreaded wig but I choose to believe his hair looks bad because he’s greasy and hasn’t slept or showered or functioned properly since the kiss.)
- She tells him that they’ll never kiss again and he’s like ????????? omg yeah totally cool cool cool cool cool cool cool and also while we are at it I am SO sorry I was ever born and have ever looked at you! That was really bad of me actually!!
- But when she apologizes too, he’s like no YOU do NOT apologize to ME. This is the only hard stance he can take on anything is that she shouldn’t be sorry for ruining his sleep and his appetite and his life
- Then he’s like can we circle back to why we can’t do our 1x1 private tutoring lessons any more??? If Iwere Penelope I would have taken out a hose and sprayed that man down.
- She said let’s keep our distance for now and that man had to do everything in his power not to lay down on the grass and roll down the hill and into the lake.
- When he says “you must” (re: her doing her best to find prospects) I am 9000% there is a man offscreen holding a gun pointed at his head. There is no other way to explain the look on his face!
- Then he’s like I guess I’ll go and she’s like no I’ll go and he’s like, waaaaait babe don’t go!! “I wish very much for your happiness” cut to: Colin Bridgerton crying in the shower while singing you belong with me by taylor swift (just kidding he stays under the tree for another 45 min bc the man was too stunned to speak)
- Later, at the ball he walks in right behind her and when he sees her he slows down like he’s forgotten how to walk. All the girlies are checking him out but he is only allowed to look at Penelope or his eyes will fall out of his head. Sorry, i don’t make the rules. I am simply a Colin Bridgerton Anthropologist. Self-proclaimed Jane Goodall of Bridgerton boys.
- “I spoke to Penelope” WHAT WHAT WHAT DID SHE SAY ABOUT ME? Eloise is like, it wasn’t about you??? Colin: Ok?? Bye, thanks for wasting my time you witch!
- Even Mrs. Mondrich is like Isee you are still watching Penelope Featherington game tape… this lady just got into society like 24 hours ago and all she knows is 1) rich people are crazy 2) Colin Bridgerton is down bad
- And the Mondriches are like noooo don’t be sad you are such a sweetie for helping her. She’s totally gonna find a husband! And Colin is looking at them like ?????? Did you really just spit in my face rn? haha cool
- literally EVERY SINGLE TIME Penelope is anywhere, Colin is ten paces behind her. RIP Abraham Lincoln you would have surely survived if Colin Bridgerton had been your body guard.
- She gives him the world’s most subtle head tilt to signal he should come to her. Benedict is so used to his brother being on a leash that Colin is like I G2G rn and Benedict is just like “right yes i know go do your thang”
- Then, Penelope is like pretend you’re getting sweets so we aren’t suspicious and he’s like “of course!” Of course WHAT??? Both of you are clinical tbh
- She’s looking at the sweets. He’s looking at her. When she tells him how amazing she’s doing, he rolls his eyes a lil bit like “Okay, good to know I am the only one who is out here fighting for my life…”
- “Lord Debling has shown an interest in me” / “It looked that way at Stowell House” and Colin would know because he watched her the entire time, no bathroom breaks.
- When Pen says Debling is not unpleasant to gaze upon, Colin is looking outside the tent. I think he’s trying to find that pretty little vegetarian so he can imagine turning him into a steak.
- Shout out to Luke Newton because when he is watching her lick the icing off you can literally see Colin’s mouth go dry. I think that man stopped drinking water for 3 days in anticipation of that scene.
- The next time we see Colin? Watching Penelope and eating the same cake as her so he can IMAGINE WHAT SHE TASTES LIKE, at this point even Joe Goldberg is like take it easy man.
- Lord Squad is on the scene and Colin is like hahaha yeah i’m sooooooooo over helping Penelope… now if everyone can stop talking so I can go back to looking at her that would be great.
- Do his little friends even notice he is standing with his back fully to them so he can gaze upon his red headed siren?????????? Oh wait, he has something to contribute to the conversation!!!!!!!! jk He just wants to trash talk Debling… his friends are like “Debling is a freak! He has singular passions” You know who else has a singular passion??????????? Colin Bridgerton. Penelope is his Great Auk iykyk
- His friends are like Debling is soooooo rich and suddenly colin bridgerton is like oh no am Ipoor?????? I should cancel my brothel membership and save my money.
- You know that mom that had to lift a 5000 lb car off her baby? that is Colin with the hot air balloon and Penelope Featherington.
- At the ball Eloise is like Colin are you still mad at me??? And Colin is like babe unless your name is Penelope Featherington I have literally never even thought twice about you sorry
- Meanwhile, the girls are gathering around Colin for his Ted Talk about hot balloon bravery and the subtitles literally read [SOUNDSCAPE MUFFLES, HEARTBEAT THUMPING] this man is passing away because he is merely in the same room as her.
- Then he has to excuse himself to go watch her from a different vantage point in peace at which point his mom finds him and he’s like totallllllllly hypothetical situation but is friendship the best foundation for great love??? And if Iwanted to find out if a girl is also in love with me, how would I go about finding that out??? (Asking for my sister francesca who has never had a male friend in her life.)
- And then he’s like ok, I’m gonna do it… I am going to ask her… but he goes up to her and he’s just STARING and she’s like are you ok?????? but he can’t even answer her because he’s looking at her lips like he’s about to fall and the only thing that can break his fall are his lips. And then Debling comes to take her away and he’s like ok that’s fine I guess I will simply never speak again all good just gonna cry in the corner to a Billie Eillish song
- HE IS WATCHING HER DANCE WITH ANOTHER MAN AND THERE ARE LITERALLY TEARS IN HIS EYES, THEY ARE GLAZED ALL THE WAY OVER. and Penelope said it best when she said you can always tell how serious a man is about courting by watching his face when she dances with another!!!!! Ladies and gentleman we have our verdict this man is… say it with me… down bad.
